WHERE IS MY DAD ?….
This is a cursary view of the very complex problems that enter into the fabric of the role of fathers in the life of their children.
Where is my dad?…
This question so often asked by children raised by a single mother bears a very heavy load of pain, anguish ,anxieties and mixed emotions.
These pains ,anxieties and emotions are rarely expressed in a manner that would elicit their true depth and impact on the mind of the affected children.
Too often mother who is carrying the burden of raising the child alone also carries an unhealthy baggage of anger and resentment towards the absent father. This creates an obstacle to the free expression of the child’s emotions and pain.
Where is my dad? who is my dad?…
There is in every human being the need to identify and know the other part of his/her being that is missing.
Psychologically the” missing part” plays havoc with the child ‘s sense of identity and stability.There is a natural longing to know and identify with that person.Unfortunately, the adults who together brought this child into the world too often do not settle their differences in a healthy manner. Accusations and blame throwing,violence and abusive behaviour towards each other weave the web in which the innocent child is caught.
In the development of a child a father plays a special role and brings in emotional and psychological elements that mother cannot offer. Unfortunately , the child who misses these vital elements is the victim who suffers silently and develops behavioural problems too often misunderstood.Mother bent on demonising the father does not realise the depth of the harm she is inflicting on the child.
Father on the other hand having rejected mother also rejects the child again victimising the child.His absence creates an uneasy sense of loss and a longing that quite a few children find hard to bear.
A very serious situation arises however, when efforts are made to bring father into the life of the child. Father does not fit in.He is often demanding, harsh and somewhat uncaring towards the child that he identifies with mother.Again the child is the victim.
Another disturbing facet of this very complex situation is seen when father wants to exercise his rights to parent and care for his child. Mother blinded by her anger and her own sense of rejection finds herself in a vengeful mode.Unfounded, hurtful fabrications of abuse physical and sexual often are the path taken by the angry mother.She stops at nothing to demonise and keep father away. Her selfish motive is simply to destroy the man who no longer wants her. She sets aside her maternal need to care for and nurture the child so bent is she in destroying the man she can no longer have. She goes as far as coaching the child to lie in order to continue her vendetta against father. Very sadly , in view of the fact that women are believed to be more caring than men father has a hard time convincing the authorities that he is innocent and simply wants to be a father to the child.
Mother’s cruelty knows no bound. The very child she claims to love becomes the pawn that she uses in her deadly game against father. The emotional scars born by the child are immeasurable.Useless to say that this situation creates a tremendous turmoil in the child’s mind.
In a girl,the game of manipulation and reckless selfishness played by mother stays with her.She herself becomes manipulative, selfish , demanding and lies to get her own way.She becomes a very troubled child who later on will have great difficulties establishing stable relationships with men.
In a boy’s mind there is anger towards women in view of the abuse meted out to his dad.He too observes and learns about the manipulations , lies and selfishnes. He might even get angry with his dad if he does not understand why he gets his mother so very upset and mean.This creates even more confusion in the child’s mind.This, he will carry into adulthood.
The importance of a father’s role in the life of his children should never be underestimated and should be at all cost respected.The time has come for parents to realise that children should not become the victims of their broken relationship. They should realise that they both have a sacred responsibility to care and nurture their children sparing them the pain and emotional scars their conflicts inflict on the very children that they both brought into this world. Adults must reconsider their position and bring changes in the way they manage their relationsip.SPARE THE CHILDREN.THE TIME IS NOW!!!!
